The Void
I created this photograph depicting what the Dark Night & Void Space feels like to me.
The Void. The black nothingness, devoid of light. This is an empty space we may find ourselves, at times more than once, residing in on our healing journey. After the Dark Night of the Soul, the Void pops up to wrap us in feelings of fear, darkness, a place of limbo or the in-between.
For nearly five years now I have been in a continual cycle of The Void and the Dark Night and it has not been very comfortable, to say the least. After a tremendous (and long) Dark Night, I was spit out into the blackness, confused and scared.
Not feeling myself anymore and being extremely disconnected from my Higher Self, a deep depression set in. I started to lose hope. I could hear myself talking but did not recognize that it was me the words were coming from. It was as though I was floating high up in the corner while life played out around me. Everything felt fuzzy, including my mind. Details were blurred, conversations were hard to hold onto and I often felt confused or forgot myself for a moment.
What was happening to me? I would cry late at night under the covers, knowing that things were very different, but not understanding why or how to fix it.
Exhaustion was a new state of being and motivation was barely there. All I could focus on was how to feel like myself again, how to get my spark back. “Where am I?” I would cry out loud, feeling lost and scared that I would be stuck in this joyless void of despair.
I came to label this experience as the Dissociation of the Soul. Anger was the one emotion that gave me fire during this time and oh, how angry I was! I would yell at my Spirit Guides, yell at God, yell at my Higher Self because I could feel none of them. Empty threats would fly out of my mouth as I cried, tears running black mascara down my red and swollen face. “I swear I will stop being a healer if you don’t help me!” “I will never talk to you again!” “I won’t help people anymore!” and so on. I just wanted SOMETHING, anything. A sign, a sound, a flicker of light in this darkened space. And still, nothing.
Joy and passion left me, and I felt incredibly scared and alone in this experience. Life felt as though it was going on without me and all around me as I was stuck in this state. And this place and way of being was not easy, nor comfortable. There were mornings when the alarm went off and I didn’t want to face another day.
Recently I came across an Oracle card “The Void” and it speaks of Nuummite and Black Dahlia. The words, “ego shattering, soul fragments, emptying” written across the bottom. The image contains this beautiful flower swirling in the purple black darkness. I began to shake, as it gave me such a strong resonance, and I knew it was finally time to share this part of my experience.
The journey to reconnect to my Higher Self, to me and my spark again has been profound and extensive. I tried so many different things! Spoke to so many different healers and experimented with so many different actions, exercises and tools. I no longer felt empowered … in fact, I often gave my power away to outside elements because I lost trust in my intuition. It was a long road to take my power back and reconnect the ability to trust my inner knowing.
Today I am much further along than I was since I first fell into this spiritual limbo state. To admit out loud that I am still not fully there yet is so difficult yet here I am saying it. “I am not there yet.”
But I am almost there. The place on the other side of The Void, where joy and passion are ignited and the connection to my Higher Self is steady, strong, aligned. The place where I am settled, grounded and feel … “myself” again. The place where I wake up fully grateful and excited, and I embrace the darkness just as much as the light.
Did I mention I am almost there? The hope, after all this time, rekindled and burning just as bright as the fire I am reigniting in my soul. Feeling safer in my body, grounded, strong, aligned, empowered. The feeling of being in sync with my Higher Self is unlike anything, and it took so much willpower and trust to get here, feeling more solid in the connection as I continue to transform.
Join me on my journey as I share the many things that did (and did not) help me along the way.
If you are suffering from being stuck in your own Void, I can help you through this. My healing sessions connect to your Higher Self as we work to get you back in alignment with the truest expression of you.
