Transition - Death & Goodbye
“She holds onto the lifeless being thinking it will come back to life through the force of her will and tears. Later did she find it was through conquering her fears that life can begin again. Arms wide open to the joy and acceptance of self, of this present moment. Sheer divinity at its finest, like facing the sunrise from the top of a mountain. ’I made it, she cried.’ ” - message from Spirit.
Have you ever received the Death card in a tarot reading? Jarring at first, this card is often mistaken for bad news or taken literally. Death cards in tarot actually signify transition and transformation, a period of stepping out of the old and into the new.
With the Death card may also come resistance … resistance to shedding the past and trusting that it is safe to do so. There is an act of surrender that is necessary with the Death card, and many times this act is not so simple. I know for myself, surrender is the hardest thing to embody.
When I first started my business in 2019 everything was so different - I was so different. Full of excitement and wonder, I really had no idea what I was about to encounter in my own personal journey of transformation. I naively thought that this was it, I was here offering my energy healing services and tarot readings and this was my life now.
Wow, I was wrong. So wrong! It was only after I started this process that my true spiritual awakening started to unfold and I was thrown into a massive, years long Dark Night of the Soul that spit me out and left me in a cold and lonely Void space. This Void space is a place where I still wander into and float around in at times.
Everything started shifting in my life one month after I began to put myself out there as an intuitive healer. My “Tower” moment started with a soft whisper, a psychic understanding that certain constant structures in my life were starting to transform outside of me, beyond my control. And, oh, how I wanted to be in control.
Less than a year before I embarked on my healing path, my best friend passed away very suddenly. The morning of his death, I had intuitively known it was about to happen and I was full of rage and anger. I felt helpless and lost … and when I received the news confirming what had always been my worst fear for him, I was devastated. Falling to the floor, screaming in pain, I felt as though a piece of me left.
After a while, I thought I was “okay.” I thought I had grieved and was in a better place with his passing. It turns out, I was not … I took all of my grief and transformed it into anger instead. Working through sacred rage, integrating my shadows and transforming all of the anger I have held over a lifetime has become a crucial part of my journey.
The grieving process has been long and difficult; I miss my friend often. As a medium, I know he is around, but it is not the same as having him here.
In the months after his passing, so many other things began to change in my life. Lifelong relationships began to unravel as people could only meet me where they were at the time, and they were going through their own battles. I sat back and watched as an entire group of people no longer became constant beings in my life, but rather acquaintances floating in the background. So many support systems were suddenly gone. My husband is the one constant through all of this messy time.
During my Dark Night, lingering health issues began to amplify in strange and scary ways. Dealing with a lifelong mystery illness that was brought into full light in 2011 after a chemical poisoning incident working at a hair salon (more on that self-healing journey to come) I suddenly found myself being sent repeatedly to the hospital by confused and apathetic doctors. My days and nights were full of fear and anxiety, trying to understand what was happening to my body.
What more could possibly happen in this span? Ah, yes … my Higher Self felt the best way to get my attention would be by allowing me to experience her absence. She essentially “left” me in the middle of the night … I felt and heard a ripping sensation at three in the morning, feeling suddenly cold, empty and scared. She was never really gone (and don’t worry, she is here with me now) but she was unblended, unmerged, leaving me to figure my shit out on my own. It was part of my initiation.
Except, I didn’t know that … so I did the exact opposite of what she wanted me to do. I was meant to go within and start trusting myself, trusting my intuition and finding my inner power. Instead, I gave my power away to many, many outside sources, most of them people in the spiritual community who insisted they could help me, but often misled me because of their own shadows and lack of understanding.
The path I went down next was very, very dark. Finding myself again has been a long and grueling process. To discover and embody my authentic self, my higher self, I had to start taking my power back and trusting myself over everyone else. How hard that can be! It has been an amazing journey of trial and error, hope and rekindled faith, ups and downs.
There is much to be shared about my journey and what I have endured, and how it has helped me transform into the person that sits here typing this heartfelt outpouring. Transforming into the spiritual healing role I have stepped into over time. How I connect to spirit and what I now offer to others has transformed along with me. It has been exciting, magical and full of moments where I have been asked to surrender. Did I always surrender? Well, no, that is still part of my ongoing self-work.
So that brings me to this moment now … I have been feeling the urge to update my website for quite some time. Originally my website when I was a hairstylist, that platform, was all I knew … but the biggest reason I hesitated to change over to a new platform is because the old website is the last tangible tie to my best friend. Letting it go meant letting go of him.
The Death card I have chosen to sit with for this piece is the most fitting. It evokes so much emotion in me, pulling up feelings of grief that get stuck in my throat, helping me find ways to let it out into heavy sobs and gasping breaths.
I am grieving not just my friend, but all of the people I have lost along the way both in spirit and still here. I am grieving the “old” me, the person I was a few years ago, or even just a few days ago. I am grieving all that has come to pass and all that never will.
And I am breathing in the new. I am breathing in the joy, the possibility that this new space I am creating brings. For my loved ones in spirit, including my mother, have told me that once I let them go from this space of grief, they can come back in a space of joy and happiness. So letting go does not mean pretending they don’t exist, but rather shifting the way I experience their absence. Just as I shift the way I experience my journey through the Void, embracing the dark and the difficult, integrating it into something beautiful and magical.
So here I am! Stepping into the new with grace amongst chaos, courage amongst uncertainty, strength through the fear. I am here.
If you have been struggling with the Dark Night, The Void or a disconnect from your Higher Self, I can help walk with you through this path so that you are not alone. I can help you reconnect and fall into alignment with yourself again. Please visit my page to learn more on how my offerings can support you during your journey.
